I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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