First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
