I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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