The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
