here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
