My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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