i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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