i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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