He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize