wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
