oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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