I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
