Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
