brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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