If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
