i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
