he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
