it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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