Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
