Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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