i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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