I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
