Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
