The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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