I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
