I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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