Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
