dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
