I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
