2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
