I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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