I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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