Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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