He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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