I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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