haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
