Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
