also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
