alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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