Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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