I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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