Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
