Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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