arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My vagina just clenched in fear
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
