Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
