I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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