either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
