So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
