dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
