My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
