I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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