mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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