I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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