oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
