i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
