I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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